haircut anxiety.
It's not what you expect. Probably.
I got a new haircut. By the time I'm writing this I'm getting my hair dried and I'm considering the reactions the new haircut is going to have.1
I'm not really sure if I like it. I'll probably know for sure in a few days.2
I've spent the biggest part of my 21 first years of age having long straight hair. It was long because it was what my mother said was right and it was straightened because "curly hair is too much work" (an excuse made by my parents who didn't know what to do with their curled haired child in a sea of naturally straight haired-family)
Emboldened by the internet, I've fought for almost an year for my real hair to grow, so I could cut and use it natural. I didn't know how my hair looked. It turns out my natural curls were beautiful; and knowing how to style them made them fairly easy to deal with.
But I kept it long. I had been led to believe that I was not one of those women people who had a face pretty enough to pull off short hair. That it would not look good, so why bother.
The first time I cut it short I was around 26. The hair stylist did exactly what I asked for. I was happy.
until I got home.
Several months of passive agressive and full agressive commentary by my parents led me to let it grow again.
At 29 I decided I started to get antsy with the long hair. I tried different colors (full black; then blueish, then red).
I decided to cut all off. I gave a warning before hand. I still heard some passive agressive comments.
"Do you want to be a man?" (nope, but also, I'm not a feminine person and I'm happier with a more masculine look)
"Why can't you let it grow?" (because I feel ugly with long hair; I feel different in a wrong way)
Cutting it all off, at 29, was the first time I got a haircut that fully felt like me. By then, my hair stylist understood what was my personal style and what would look better with my face. It was the first time I looked in the mirror and saw myself in a way that felt good. I felt handsome. Beautiful. That had never happened before.
I've been experimenting with my hair now. I like to joke I'm finally making all the mistakes teenage me couldn't do before.
Truth is: I'm finally expressing myself the way I want.
And it's scary.
Being known is scary and beautiful, and I'm finally learning how to feel confident in the light of more authentic hair style. And a more authentic version of me.
Here's a picture of the new hair, for your consideration:
